Drawer of Secrets (Part 1)

D: How many situations do we have of fear? Meaning, I may be afraid because I may need something. Or I may be afraid I will lose something. Basically it is these two but within these two, what looks like the obvious thing on the surface i.e. I need to make a decision about something. But you see what we do is when we talk to other people, we take into account and we show only those things that matter or are spoken the most. But the things not spoken about are always hidden, we never speak about them. That is why they’re hidden. If we spoke about them, they would not be hidden. But why do we hide them?

Suppose if I want to show you I’m in love with you, I’ll say all the right things about love…. Now I remember what I wanted to say. This is very important. I’ve never spoken about this.

There was an article in the newspaper about a conman who used to call up women and tell them some man in the house is making obscene sex calls and he will arrest them. He called up as an enforcement officer of the MTNL. And then he told them to come and meet him. And he’s had women perform oral sex on him, he had a ten-year-old girl pose nude for him. Because he said if you don’t do all this, I’ll arrest your brother.

And all the women over past several years have given him sexual favours, jewellery and money because they have thought their father, husband or brother is doing all these things. They didn’t think of asking them whether they’ve done this. And he’s threatened them saying, don’t tell the men folk because your phones are tapped. But it doesn’t make sense. Why doesn’t it make sense? You tell me.

U: Because the logical thing would be to tell your husband or boyfriend. But nobody talks about sex. But it doesn’t mean that everyone he calls is falling for it.

D: Right, some women are falling for it. Why?

M: Because they don’t want to tell their husbands that they know. Because then they’ll have to confront it.

D: But they’re fine with going and meeting a stranger and giving him sex? Does that make sense? To confront not their husbands, but go and talk about it to a stranger? So what is the reasoning?

M: Basically secrecy and anonymity.

D: But they’re telling themselves they’re doing it to protect their husbands or fathers or brothers… and if they’re not okay with talking about sex because they don’t talk about it at home, then how are they okay talking about it with a stranger? And giving him money? That means something else is working. These are all obvious, surface-level reasons. What is that something else?

M: They don’t want to believe it. They want to blank it out.

P: And blank out what – blank out that my man can make such calls. What rubbish?

M: They might even believe it. But this whole idea of it coming out in the open and then having to confront your own fears.

P: And how your image will be shattered in public.

M: You won’t even go that far. You’ll get so scared that in desperation, like a headless chicken, you’ll just run into the situation, thinking you’ll be able to solve it.

D: Yes, it is this desperation and reacting to something. But where does it come from? Here, fear may make you run for help, to your husband, police, to somebody in the society. Fear is what? Protection of your self. Isn’t that what you associate fear with? Is it protecting yourself or is it getting deeper into… There are people who blackmail and there are people who get blackmailed. What happens over there? So is it just the image thing? Yes it is an image thing if one did something. But here, somebody else is being blamed for doing something.

U: But for a woman, her husband’s identity becomes her identity.

D: Yeah, but won’t she even speak to him?

P: When I ask why is that person talking to me this way? You tell me that it’s because I’m inviting it. So is this something similar? That this woman wants to be blackmailed, is easily submissive and easily surrenders, likes to be whipped. That is why this man is dominating her.

D: It is always that. See, the same way man gets a thrill out of blackmailing and coercing a woman into giving him sex. Similarly, the woman needs to be blackmailed and coerced into giving him sex. Which is basically how she gets high.

You see the victim thing I have within me – how will that be sustained if nobody is the oppressor? For me to be the victim, there has to be the oppressor. For me to have self-pity, there needs to be somebody to inflict something on me. If there is no pain, then what does the self-pity do? So that high that I’m feeling as a victim needs somebody as an aggressor. There is nothing else but that.

And in sex, when we coerce somebody, when we are seducing somebody… okay, now you can’t understand this conman situation. But the normal situation of a man seducing a woman you can understand. But what is different about this situation? Nothing, it’s the same thing. The guy is seducing in a different manner and this different manner is different. That is why the pleasure and attraction of this is very high. Every woman has in her the need to be seduced. She needs the man to be the initiator, the aggressor, the one who puts in the action. But there are various ways of putting in the actions of seduction. Not just one. Are there romeos serenading under balconies anymore? There aren’t even balconies anymore. But you need to always have the man seduce you.

That thrill is not just only about being wanted – that is what you think. That oh I need to feel wanted. Actually, it is not that. Your identity, your being is not dependent on being wanted. It is part of. It is how you need to constantly refill. But the being is not dependent on it 100%. The woman needs attention but do you need attention all the time, relentlessly, without a break?

U: Women in fact don’t like that.

D: Why? On one hand, I’m saying women need attention. It’s the food of the woman. You believe that also. On the other, I’m saying you don’t need it 24 hours, ceaselessly, without a break? Look into yourself and see. You don’t want it.

Okay, secondly, suppose you’re already married. You have had your man seducing you, you’ve gotten married. This doesn’t mean that desire in you is over. No other man interests me and I’m done. At the same time – and this is important – those things we keep away in the drawer, are the things that most excite us. The normal things are not excitement-producing. But, we talk about them as excitement-producing because we have to be part of society.

Now, you sit and watch a movie like Twilight. How much of that is nonsense and how much is real? Not a cent of it is real. All of it is nonsense. This British actor looks like this or that. Does all this even touch you inside? All this nonsense talk? But why is it constantly on?

U: Excitement.

D: Yes, but what is this excitement? We are now seeing so many faces of excitement. What is this excitement? The constant need to be a part of. We feel scared in isolation. So we keep talking nonsense, so that everything is okay, everything should be okay.


So when we have secrets in the drawer… it’s the same thing that I’m talking about with the women who are being blackmailed. Understand this. When you have secrets in the drawer, those secrets are stimulated, titillated when somebody else does something.

U: But what kind of secrets are these?

D: Whatever the thing is, what your action is is immaterial. You’re afraid that you’ll be exposed is the point. That is your secret. You have secrets. So the moment you see somebody else doing something, because you have secrets, you either will not say anything because if I expose him, what if I get exposed. Which is why women never go around judging on a public platform. That is the men, men go and do all that. If something happens tomorrow, you won’t see a crowd of women discussing what happened, how did he die etc. Why do only men gather around, not women? Women will never expose themselves on a public platform. Do you understand this part? Do you ever reveal yourself? You will say, no don’t pick me up from office. The man will say, no no, I want to show off that I have this beautiful girlfriend, I’ll pick you up from office.

So when you have things to hide, you will, one, project something depending on what you’re hiding. But this is not consciously thought out. It’s the way that whole thing is stimulated within you. Your secrets. Because you’re getting high from thinking those thoughts again and again. From being in that state of darkness but not in the way I mean the other darkness like when I talk about Krishna, the inky blankness. I mean darkness as humans normally mean it, in their own heads, if you don’t want to go towards, if you don’t want to look, you don’t want to throw light and ask what is this really? Do you understand?

So when you have things hidden inside, those things control all your behaviour, internally. That is why, you may be a quiet person. So everyone will say, oh he stays so quiet, doesn’t talk. But his mind is running. He may be looking at women and thinking all those thoughts. And he can’t talk to them for multiple reasons. Because he’s been thinking all those things, he doesn’t have the ability to be friendly, be normal and speak in a carefree manner. He can’t be friends then with a woman. Because he’s thinking other things, he doesn’t see the woman as a woman. He sees her as sexual gratification. And he feels guilty. But that guilt and shame creates excitement. We think guilt and shame are… (interruption)

Now when I tell you to just forget about waking up early in the morning and wake up at 9.30, I’m saying it because in your system, to wake up early is not there. What you will do is start creating a standard and saying, oh this is the ideal. There is no ideal. The moment you create an ideal, you’re setting yourself up for failure. And that gives you excitement. What kind? The same excitement you’ve been used to all these years.

Now understand this. Suppose I had not to be involved with you the way I am – talking to you every day. If I just met you in sessions where I’ve said you should wake up at 5.30. Now you would have gone home and you just can’t wake up at 5.30. So now what is happening? You’re feeling that everybody else is waking up at 5.30, everybody can get to that point but I can’t. Why? Because I don’t wake up at 5.30. So now the only criteria is what? Everybody is doing the exercises, but they have that something extra that I don’t.

M: They’re getting better, they getting ahead… yeah.

D: They’re getting ahead. So now I’m going to be set up completely for failure. And this is still linked to those women being blackmailed. But let me just finish with what I was saying. I’m telling you it’s okay to wake up at 9.30. Why? Because when I have some failure, the only way to deal with that failure, the way I know, is to go and have sex, eat food or go and drown myself in something where I am wanted. Where I’m treated in a dominant manner. Why? Because I have set up myself that I am a failure. Somewhere in my system, I don’t see myself… and this is very important and at the core of what happens to both of you (U more so, M in a more subtle manner). So I’m waking up at 9.30 and the others are waking at 5.30, so they’re getting ahead and I’m falling behind. Now if I’m falling behind – and this is dependent on the fact that I (D) am not there, okay? – then what would have happened to the two of you?

U: We would have gone back…

D: Gone back to how you were. With one more thing in your list of failures. Everywhere you’ve gone – I will lose weight, I will go and do this thing or I can’t get a man the way I want…

M: Or even that I don’t know…

D: The I don’t know that you do is this. Running away from the fear of failure. Running away from your center. So I’m coming to this center part but this is how I have to lead the whole thing. So do you understand this – that if I had not to be there, this would have been another in the list of failures? You see, according to you (U), how many activities will you say you’ve had that have been failures? None. You say, I’ve not gone into so many activities in the first place. Comparatively, at least.

U: Yeah but like I’ve told you, in all my college years, I was in a haze.

D: Yes, but why is that in the first place? Because before that also, where did that haze come from? It was because before that also, the whole being within is only crying out for failure so that a high is always experienced so that I don’t have to look at my reality. Understand the whole process of how we set ourselves up, right from early childhood. Or rather, we’ve been born like this.

U: Is that everybody or us in particular.

D: Everybody. But you see, other people set themselves up for success. The basic issue is the same.

U: They all come back to where we are.

D: No, they will not physically come in this position. But internally, everybody’s centering, the core is the same. So outwardly, the people in the world may be successful in its activities, and some other people of the world will be failures in the activities.

So one way is that fear makes this girl smarter and this girl dumber. But the core is fear. You (M) will think, oh I am dumb. And that dumbness is based upon what? That standard of smartness…

M: Not wanting to find out. Because you’re so scared, you’re paralyzed that you won’t find out only…

D: Exactly. Paralyzing fear.

Go to Hidden Purpose Behind Paralyzing Fear